ALARM CLOCK BUZZES
(TV) 'Move those hips!
'And swiveI and Ioose.
'Reach and stretch.'
Ay up!
'Reach and up.
'And up...'
CHRIS COUGHS
'Let's see those buttocks cIench!
'Are you feeIing it? Good!
'Now reIax.
'FeeI the sweat.
'Enjoy it.
'Now, onto the peIvis.
'Stand with your feet firmIy apart.'
Fucking Viagra.
Mum?
How much is there?
One thousand smackers.
I'd put it in premium bonds.
See, it's Iow risk, with a steady return. And it's tax free.
You sure you didn't just forget?
Forget what?
She said she's going on hoIiday, you said ''Yeah'',
dropped a few piIIs and forgot about it?
I dunno. It says she's gone for a few days.
Is it true?!
- Our money, babe! Our money! Yes! - That's fucking great, Anwar.
(Tony) Cheer up, you fucker.
You're home aIone and you've got an important question to answer.
How you gonna spend this money?
SCREAMS
Don't you ever, don't you ever
Stop being dandy Showing me you're handsome
Don't you ever, don't you ever
Stop being dandy Showing me you're handsome
Prince Charming, Prince Charming
Ridicule is nothing to be scared of
Don't you ever, don't you ever
Lower yourself Forgetting all your standards
Prince Charming, Prince Charming
Ridicule is nothing to be scared of
CHEERING AND WHISTLING
He's had an erection for 15 hours?
Doesn't even know how many Viagras he popped.
He's hoIding it down with SeIIotape.
SeIIotape?
Yeah. I don't know how.
But he's SeIIotaped it to his beIIy, or his baIIs...
I don't know, SeIIotaped it to something.
AII right?
- So it hasn't heId then. - Must be the sweat.
See, I reckon Iife's about Iiving in the moment,
you know...finding, you know, happiness, pIeasure.
You know?
Whoa. Steady.
I'm not going to Iie to you,
I'm in Iove with someone eIse.
But why shouId I Iove you?
We don't know each other at aII...
And I've got this physicaI need thing,
and I was hoping...
maybe you have too.
SHE RETCHES
You Iook for the gummy bits, yeah, through the paper.
Lick it.
And then...
Bruv, what papers are you using?
Cos I heard TCI Whites...
No. No, man. They're satisfying, yeah,
but the density's off, and there's too much ceIIuIose.
I thought - maybe I'm wrong -
we shouId get to know each other first.
I'II...
..caII you tomorrow.
What's your...
What's your number?
Sid.
THUD
Chris, this feeIs Iike speed dating for druggies.
I don't know no-one here, man.
Yeah, man, I know. I'd say I know maybe about 20% of the peopIe here,
that's why it's so good.
ActuaIIy, man, maybe more Iike 10%.
I see you invited your psychoIogy teacher to aid this interaction?
Angie's here?
Yeah.
I couId shift a few ounces of this stuff.
If you've got a decent suppIier.
Chris... I'm sorry. Chris?
SONG STOPS
You aII right? Do you want to dance?
No, I, um... Are there any other teachers here?
I dunno. Yeah, maybe.
It depends if they knew about it, and if they wanted to come.
Or if...
No, I onIy invited you.
This was a bad idea. I didn't think it through.
- I just wanted you to come. - Chris...
I think, right, that dancing is, Iike, the best thing in the worId.
Yeah? Because it makes you heaIthy, in your body,
but it aIso, it makes your head better too, so...
I just... WiII you stay and...
..dance or just...
PIease.
OK.
Yeah?
Yeah.
This was the place where you let me love you first
We danced to Van Morrison
And shut out the world
I know that it...
Ahh.
I... I can't do this.
What? Why?
No, no. No, no, no, no, no, no.
Angie, Angie, Iook, Iook, it's not Iike that, aII right?
I dropped a coupIe of them Viagra by mistake
and it's been Iike that aII day.
It's been Iike a second Ieg, fucking third Ieg.
It's... It's just Viagra!
(Man) You see? That's Viagra for you.
- More troubIe than it's worth. - Speak for yourseIf, Casa-never.
..Now that you're gone
It's just the...
And me.
MUFFLED MUSIC AND SHOUTING
I think she's a fucking nut Ieaving a grand on her sideboard.
I Iiked her. She smiIed too much and everything but she was aII right.
I swear Chris gives these bastards speed.
They move faster than normaI fish do.
Besides, I don't know what it wouId be Iike having a son Iike Chris.
Ugh.
He's aII right. He can be weII sweet sometimes.
Mmm.
Tony?
Yeah, yeah, just a minute.
HE TAPS
You know what I Iike about your body?
No.
One boob's bigger than the other.
Oh. Fuck.
Hi, Sid.
Sorry. I was just, uh, Iooking for a T-shirt.
It's just Chris said I couId borrow a... Fuck.
Sorry, it's just someone puked on me, I just need a T-shirt.
I'II choose you one.
I'II wait outside. Sorry. Fuck, sorry.
Sid.
What do you think of my tits?
Huh?
Um...
- Is one bigger than the other? - What? I don't...
What wouId you prefer?
I don't... I think there's something wrong with my eyes.
BIurring, or...
I couId have an infection or something.
You'II Iook good in this.
Thanks. Sorry.
They're, um, nice, MicheIIe.
Sorry.
That was briIIiant.
Fuck off!
You know what, Tony? Your eyes are supposed to fucking bIur too.
Sid's face, though.
ENGINE WHINES
- You OK, Chris? - Um. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- AII the others asIeep? - Yeah.
I don't reaIIy sIeep weII in other peopIe's houses.
- Do you want me to waIk you home? - It's miIes. But thanks.
Right.
Yeah. How did that, um, music competition thing go, by the way?
- Did you win? - No.
StiII, finaIist, though - that's got to be aII right, ain't it?
What did the winner get?
Oh, he signed an internationaI recording contract.
- CooI. What did you get? - I got £25 to cover my traveI.
Wankers.
- Chris, where's your mum? - Dunno, mate.
SNORING
I mean,
what was I supposed to say?
''Yeah, I Iike your tits.
''They seem very nice, symmetricaI.''
- What's the right word, even? - Nice is OK.
Do you think she'II be upset?
Do you think she'II be angry with me?
I just,
you know, just...
- Your stiffy's digging into my back. - Oh. Sorry.
- Sid. - Yeah.
You know there are other girIs, don't you?
Where?
So you don't think she'II be angry with me?
Safe.
1 10, 1 15, 120.
Um, it's aII right, mate, I've got change.
COINS JANGLE
121 , 22.
23, 23.50.
24.
Six, eight.
Seven, eight, nine, ten. 24.20.
How much do I stiII owe you, mate?
1 4 quid.
OK, um, my mum keeps money upstairs.
I'II just go get it. Wait there, one minute.
(Tony) What have you been doing, man?
(Sid) Nothing.
(Tony) You stink of sick.
(Sid) Yeah, but not, Iike, badIy.
(Tony) If Chris's house didn't out-stink you, yeah,
peopIe wouId actuaIIy be waIking away from you.
WeII, I'II just borrow some deodorant.
Hey up.
You aII right, Chris?
Yeah.
What were you doing in the wardrobe?
I was just, um, checking what stuff my mum took with her.
What did she take?
Oh, yeah. Everything.
Do you think she's gone, mate?
Hey, my knob's gone down, though.
- That's good. - It isn't bIue or anything?
Um, no, it's a bit red, Iike, but, no, it's not bad. Not bad.
It Iooks bigger to me. ProbabIy did it some good.
Yeah. Yeah. You might be right, actuaIIy. Yeah.
Hey, seven years bad Iuck, that there, mate, the mirror.
(TV) 'And breathe in deep. Deep.
'And stretch and bend
'and stretch and reach.
'And reach to the right.
'Left, and bend.'
I think she's quite sexy.
I've aIways wanted to fuck an oIder woman.
It's the hips...
..just above the knickers.
It's the way the skin bunches, you know.
I mean, Iook at her,
very nice hips.
Where's Chris?
Right here.
This man won't Iet us start the pizzas tiII you pay him.
OK. Anyone got any cash?
You've got a grand!
Nah, man. I've got a nice hi-fi, about 4,000 beer cans,
and then a few of these empty wraps. What?
Listen, yeah, right, OK... £1 ,000 ain't even that much money
these days, reaIIy, you know, when you think about it. So...
Look, man, aII right, I bought it yesterday, yeah,
and I remember you, because you've got a very good face for memorising.
I bought it from you, and you were chuffed to seII it.
There's a Pop Tart in the CD drawer.
CIean it. I'II pay for that bit.
- So, you know, seII it on. - We can't seII it on.
- Yeah, so if you cIean it? - We're not going to cIean it.
- I wiII and bring it back tomorrow. - It's soiIed, it's unseIIabIe.
Whatever you do to it now, we can't take it back.
I'II cIean it, bring it back tomorrow and give it to one of the other peopIe.
No, you won't. I wiII have toId them not to take it back,
because you've wrecked it.
I kept the receipt.
Receipts don't cover Pop Tarts.
I'II teII you how to get rid of your zits.
Oh...
How?
Right.
Piss on toiIet paper and wipe your face. Works better than CIearasiI.
Tried it.
Thank you for caIIing at Smithson EIectrics.
Anything eIse I can heIp you with?
Er, no, er, just...
Chris...
Chris, wait up, mate, pIease.
Stop being a fucking pussy.
No.
What?
No.
You know, it says ''we buy anything''
just there, so maybe you couId buy this.
Get out of my shop! Get out of my shop!
- AII right, Chris? - Hey up.
Che! Che!
Loves watching me shit.
What can I do you for?
How did you get on with that Lithuanian E?
I got some square piIIs from AIbania in.
Retro Eastern BIocs, they're caIIing them.
Nah, um, I'm seIIing, actuaIIy.
Fancy a hi-fi?
Nah. Can't shift it, mate.
How about a wheeIbarrow?
Oh, aye, I aIways need another wheeIbarrow.
£20 the Iot.
Done. Cheers.
How d'you want it? Powder, piIIs or cash?
Cash.
10, 15, 20.
Job done.
Fuck it, Iet's have a Iook at these piIIs.
Shit.
Fuck's sake!
See ya Iater, mate.
Fucking heII, man. You woke me up.
- Who are you? - Who the fuck are you? I'm sIeeping!
- This is my house! - So?
Get off me, man!
Get off me! Ow!
Yeah!
Don't know what you're fucking doing, thinking you can...
Leave it, man!
What the fuck?
Hey, buddy, heIIo?
You aII right, me babba? That was some ride.
Look, I think you shouId go.
No, not up the fucking stairs, what you doing, man? Come on.
Let's create harmony. I was onIy sIeeping in your bath.
I've never met you, aII right.
- You've met me now. - Yes, but it's my house!
AII right, so just fuck off!
Cheers, then.
Right, now Iet me back in.
You're a very hostiIe bIoke.
Let! Me! Back! In!
You're a very aggressive young man. I think you've got issues.
- Big issues. - Ah, fuck!
You need to take a chiII piII, mate. You need to chiII out.
- Let me back in. - Listen, take a whiIe. CaIm down.
Maybe take a day or two, and then we'II taIk about it.
It's my fucking house!
I don't make the ruIes, man. I don't make the ruIes.
So, um, what are you going to do?
Yeah.
There's onIy one thing you can't do, Chris, and that's stay Iike you are.
You got no money, basicaIIy no house, you can't just...
Look, I've fucked up, I know. I fucked up.
No, you haven't.
- You just... - Angie, do you reckon we...
Hey, Chris, trousers! How good are we?
Don't teII him.
(Tony) Everyone's taIking about some naked guy who just waIked through schooI.
(Sid) PeopIe are trying to work out whether you've made a poIiticaI statement.
- This top any good? - I think you'II Iike it.
- I didn't think anyone wouId notice. - Yeah. Maybe a few did.
PuII yourseIf together. Christ, you need a mum, you big baby.
Tony!
Fucking heII, he's not pathetic. You can take a joke, can't you?
Look, you try it, OK? No Mum, no Dad, on your own.
- Sounds briIIiant to me. - I've got... I've got a Dad.
RINGS BELL
There's no-one in.
You'II be fine, Chris, OK?
Chris?
Chris! What a...
What a IoveIy surprise!
- Look, we weren't pIanning on... - Hi, I'm JaI.
JaI, I'm Mary.
Won't you come in?
Your dad'II be back soon. But I can give him a ring anyway, shaII I?
What, he's not here? We couId come back ano...
WonderfuI!
WonderfuI.
BABY CRIES
Aaah!
And this is IittIe Sammy.
Do you want to come and say heIIo, Chris?
Er, no, I'II, um, Ieave him to sIeep.
WeII...
TO Y SQUEAKS
Ooh!
How's your mum, Chris?
- ActuaIIy, that's the reason... - Yeah, she's getting better.
Oh, no!
She hasn't had another turn?
Um, no. Not reaIIy. She's fine.
Good. WeII, send her my best.
Why don't we Iook for some baby photos of Chris? That couId be fun.
Graham IabeIs them by year.
I'm trying to encourage him to IabeI by mood, but...
You won't find any of me.
Worried we might find something embarrassing?
Ooh...
Ah, bingo!
Look, he's even sweeter than Sammy.
I don't think I'm supposed to say that as a mum, but you are!
Have a Iook at him!
You do Iook quite cute.
That's not me.
It is.
No, it's not. It's Peter.
Oh.
WeII, we can stiII say he Iooks sweet, can't we?
Who's Peter?
- Um, he's my brother. - Your brother?
DOOR OPENS
Graham!
You'II never guess who's here!
It's Chris! Isn't that great!
(Man) I need a shower. I'm going for a shower.
(Woman) I've just had to sit with him for the Iast haIf hour!
(Man) WeII, get rid of him.
(Woman) Don't do this to me, Graham, he's your son.
(Man) Can't heIp that. He's a fuck-up, just Iike his mum.
I don't want him here, OK? I'm taking a shower.
TO Y SQUEAKS
BABY CRIES
BABY WAILS
Everything's fine, he's just got a coupIe of caIIs to make.
He's caImed down. You Iook nice together, Chris.
Just wants to suckIe on something, probabIy.
Give me your finger.
BABY GRIZZLES
BABY QUIETENS
THUMP!
BABY CRIES
Come on, Sammy. Come on.
- Listen. His mum has... - Does he want money?
No. He doesn't.
Chris!
You OK?
HE FLICKS LIGHTER
I couId never do them knots at Cubs, you know, and they said,
''Ah, he's not got the fingers for it,'' or whatever.
But Iook what my fucking fingers can do now, eh?
Hey, do you...do you wanna hear about the best day of my Iife?
Cubs.
I'd pissed myseIf by accident.
They'd had us sitting down for ages and, um, I was trying...
trying to get out Iike to Ieave the room but this kid kept bIocking me,
stopping me Ieaving, he was pIaying a game or something and, um...
So I toId him, right, that he was a dickhead,
and that he's gonna get out of my way, dickhead...
..and then the whoIe pIace went quiet cos I'd said ''dickhead''.
And then they was aII Iaughing, everyone, and I couIdn't work out
if it was cos I'd swore or if they'd seen that my shorts were wet,
so I tried to cover my shorts with my hands, right, but that meant
they aII definiteIy noticed and then there was more Iaughing.
But, yeah, Peter,
my brother, he was, um,
he was youngest-ever sixer or something.
They're the ones in charge, sixers.
Dib-dib-dib.
He couId do aII the knots, him.
Him and Dad wouId practise.
He Ioved it.
Anyway, he stands up, yeah, sixer,
and, um, and they aII Iiked him,
and, um,
he takes my hand,
and took me to the toiIet.
And then he had me take my shorts off, and then he cIeaned me up.
And then he took off his shorts and put them on me.
And then...
he kissed me on the cheek,
and took my hand,
and we both went out there.
Him just in his pants.
No-one Iaughed.
Best day of my Iife.
Look, don't, um, don't teII the others, yeah, about...
No, I won't.
Do you know what you're gonna do?
What, me?
No, I...
- You think your mum's gonna come back? - Not if she's stiII around.
- How do you know? - She Ieft fIowers by the grave again.
Every time you see a nippIe,
a butt crack or a cameI toe, you have to drink one shot down in one, OK?
What's a cameI toe?
Tony?
It's when it bunches around the...
..crack.
It's a minge thing.
< Oh. Nice.
You got sIow pIay on this thing, MicheIIe?
What? SIow pIay?
- There! - Where?
A nippIe, I saw a nippIe.
ConceaIed or free?
If conceaIed counts we're gonna be drinking a Iot.
It can be conceaIed and visibIe. Just ask JaI.
- What? - When you're wearing that red top.
WiII someone rewind the tape, so we can aII see the nippIe
and drink, pIease?
Where's the controIs?
- Sid. - Oh, sorry, just gotta...
- You better not be going for a wank. - Where's the fucking controIs?
Gimme the remote.
- I think we shouId go on a date. - What, us?
- We don't have to have... - OK.
Er...yeah.
- That was a nippIe! - You know what? I don't fucking care.
There was a teacher in here Iast. He might not have coIIected aII his things.
If you find anything, just put them in the corner, OK?
Yeah.
I... They toId me
to teII you that aIthough this isn't a cIassroom
or anything, this is stiII coIIege property.
So if you do any damage or...
WeII, it wiII...
They couId kick you out of schooI.
OK.
I'm sorry, it's just... They said to say.
No, it's OK, I don't mind.
I...
Your friends said you Iike fish.
And I wanted to give you
a room-warming.
That for me?
They didn't have any bowIs Ieft in the store.
I just wanted to give you something.
Wish you Iuck.
Yeah.
I shouId go.
OK. Sorry.
Right.
Bye.